


Playground Love

by SolivagantSleepyhead



Category: Free!
Genre: (spoiler alert: he fucking does not), Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Implied Nanase Haruka/Tachibana Makoto, M/M, Underage Drinking, also Rei being dumb and thinking he knows what's best, angst (tm), basically a kick to the honey nut feelios, basically nagisa being an anxious wreck, but it gets better!! kind of!!!, but not telling anyone because he's in denial, concerned parents! Haru and Makoto, requited love but it's complicated
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-16
Updated: 2016-09-15
Packaged: 2018-08-15 07:27:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8047669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SolivagantSleepyhead/pseuds/SolivagantSleepyhead
Summary: There was a tightness in his throat like the beginning of a cold, and he absentmindedly ran his cool fingertips over the raw redness under his eyes. A few feet in front of him, he could see a group of people he knew well talking amongst themselves. He knew, vaguely, that he should call out to them, but he couldn’t find the words. The world had been spinning on a distorted axis all day—or, actually, maybe for the last year. Somewhere amongst the muddled normality of how things were, something had shifted. Something had gone wrong. A problem too impossibly large to stop and too pathetic to put a name to.
For lack of a better word: they had grown up.





	Playground Love

**Author's Note:**

> im sufferi ng

The footpath outside of school was mottled with the dying, pearl-pink petals crushed underfoot, students and parents filtering out of the auditorium and into the warm April sunlight. Small groups of people lined the sidewalk; crying, embracing one another, offering enthusiastic congratulations. It was a dull roar of bittersweet excitement that went completely unheard by a particular blond boy hovering just outside of the double-doors, feeling as if he’d just had all of the air sucked out of his lungs. He rubbed his eyes once, twice, hoping against hope to find himself merely waking from an impromptu nap in one of his classes.

That, unfortunately, was not the case, he soon realized. There was a tightness in his throat like the beginning of a cold, and he absentmindedly ran his cool fingertips over the raw redness under his eyes. A few feet in front of him, he could see a group of people he knew well talking amongst themselves. He knew, vaguely, that he should call out to them, but he couldn’t find the words. The world had been spinning on a distorted axis all day—or, actually, maybe for the last _year_ . Somewhere amongst the muddled normality of how things _were_ , something had shifted. Something had gone wrong. A problem too impossibly large to stop and too pathetic to put a name to.

For lack of a better word: they had grown up.

_“Take care in Tokyo, you two!” Kou had cried, a thin veil of tears sparkling in her eyes. It was just the 5 of them at the moment, standing on the train platform under an overcast grey sky. From Makoto and Haru’s graduation until that moment, things had been rushing past at a breakneck pace. No matter how much of the dwindling time they spent together, knowing that it was overshadowed by the impending threat of separation had made any fun they could have had together feel unsatisfying and stressful._

_Makoto smiled warmly, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck. “Thanks, Kou. I really can’t believe we’re leaving…” And, honestly, neither could Nagisa. He’d been going over that fact in his head all day long. Of course he knew it was coming. It had been there in the back of his mind like a washed-in stain for weeks, for_ months _. But, as they stood huddled together on the nearly empty train platform, he still couldn’t rationalize that this wasn’t a bad dream._

_Haru and Makoto were leaving. Within a day, his long-time best friends would be hours and hundreds of miles away in Tokyo, moving on from their small seaside hometown in search of things he himself would never understand._

_He wanted to be happy for them, he really, truly did. But he... He_ wasn’t _. He wasn’t happy at all. This wasn’t the first time they had been separated and it surely wouldn’t be the last, but he couldn’t fight the feeling deep in his chest that he was crumbling to pieces. The happy school life they had all worked so hard to create and maintain was being ripped at the seams, and there was nothing he could do but stand passively by and let it happen, to wish them_ luck. _It wasn’t about him, he knew that. But the feeling persisted. He wanted to scream and cry, to beg them not to leave. To give up anything and everything he had just for one more carefree day swimming with his friends._

_Miraculously, he managed to keep his tears in until they hugged goodbye. Rei had to forcibly disentangle his limbs from Haru and Makoto as the final warning for their train’s departure rang out across the empty station. Nagisa sobbed into Rei’s shoulder the whole way home, feeling as though a chunk of his heart had been taken away with them._

He never gotten over that ache; it was in the back of his mind, expanding steadily with each passing season, each day closer to the inevitable ‘end’. A year of late-night skype calls and brief holiday visits couldn’t quell the pain of being separated from his best friends, and it couldn’t take away an ounce of the unbridled terror he felt when he realized that everything he had held so tightly to was going to _end_. If it weren’t for Rei being beside him and keeping him in line, Nagisa might not have made it through his 3rd year at all. Rei was his support system, his very best friend, and deep inside, he had come to terms with the unavoidable fact that he was in love with him.

But time was a losing battle, and he knew it. Despite how close they were, Rei and Nagisa were brought and held together by high school.

And, now, high school was over.

Nagisa bit down hard on his lip and glanced at Rei, who was standing just off of the footpath with the others. They hadn’t spoken to one another since that morning, but he had been hearing Rei’s words replaying like a bad joke in his head all throughout the ceremony. That morning, under the false, glinting lights of the train, Rei’s pearly white smile had been twice as blinding as usual, eyes crinkling at the corners as he revealed, reverently, that he had been accepted to an elite study program abroad and would be living in America for the next 2 or 3 _years_.

With numb, shaking fingers and the feeling of bile crawling up his throat, Nagisa had plastered on his best fake smile and asked _When_?

He really, really wished he hadn’t.

“Oi, Nagisa!” Rin called, waving him from where they were gathered. “What are you doing?! Get over here!”

Rei was looking at him intently, brows furrowed and a small frown on his otherwise glowing face. Nagisa could tell that he was concerned, and decided immediately that there was _no way_ he was going to let himself dampen the excitement of Rei’s accomplishment.

“I’m coming!” He beamed, allowing himself a calming breath to settle his emotions before skipping over to the group. He couldn’t allow his selfishness to hinder the others. Haru, Makoto and Rin had all made the trip to see them graduate, after all. Tonight was one of the last nights they would all be together for the foreseeable future, so he had to make it count. He _had_ to.

Tuning them out was easy enough. _Just smile, laugh, and try not to think about tomorrow_. All he had to do was keep up this facade, just for tonight. At least when they were all together, he could fall back into that precious daydream of pretending that nothing had ever had to change. That sliver of perfect nothingness between his first and second year where Makoto and Haru were still by his side, and he and Rei spent endless summer evenings asleep together on the train, and his heart didn’t lurch at the sight of those calm violet irises.

That place that existed only in memory now, waiting to eventually be an ambiguous feeling, like a word he couldn’t quite recall in a future where he and Rei hadn’t spoken in years.

A future that went into motion in less than 16 hours.

* * *

The party was more of an afterthought than anything, born out of bittersweet nostalgia and that aching sentimentality to meet up and reconnect. All of their friends had come, even Momo, Nitori and Sousuke. It was so heartwrenchingly familiar, and it took every last ounce of Nagisa’s strength to laugh and joke and pretend that just being around them wasn’t tearing him up inside.

Every so often, his eyes would drift toward the four diplomas propped up against the sliding door, shutting his eyes to fend off the oncoming threat of tears as he took another swig from the mixed drink Rin had made him. It was sweet like sugar, so much so that he’d hardly noticed the alcohol at all. By 9pm, he was already hazy and intoxicated, leaning heavily against Rei like a book without a bookend as the group huddled around Haru’s low dining table, discussing what they’d been up to for the past year.

“I’m so proud of you four, though,” Makoto started, making a general sweeping gesture at the graduates. “You’ve been studying so hard this year. Especially you, Nagisa!”

Nagisa giggled, only barely lifting his heavy-lidded gaze from the tatami to glance at Makoto. “Thanks, Mako-chan! I wouldn’t have been able to do it if it weren’t for Rei-chan, though.” He smiled, nuzzling his face against Rei’s shoulder. “He always helped me, even though he was so busy with his own stuff…”

Rei clicked his tongue, pushing up his glasses to disguise the embarrassed blush spreading across his cheeks. “That isn’t true, Nagisa-kun! I may have led you in the right direction, but you were the one who really buckled down.” He smiled. “Just make sure you keep it up in college. I won’t be there to watch over you if you get stuck.”

Nagisa felt his heart contract in his chest at the reminder, closing his eyes and hiding his face against Rei’s blazer. As if he needed a reminder. As if he needed someone else to tell him that all of their quiet, late-night-study-sessions-turned-sleepovers would soon be another distant memory. As _if_ he needed another, gut-wrenchingly _awful_ thing weighing on his chest, making him feel like any second his heart would just shatter into a million pieces and spill out onto the floor with every other pathetic thing he ached to scream from the mountains, until his throat was raw and bloody.

“Speaking of which, where did you say you were going for college?” Nitori spoke up, brushing an errant lock of grey hair from his eyes.

“I didn’t.” Nagisa mumbled, eyes impossibly heavy as he worked on sitting up without toppling back down like a broken doll. “I haven’t really...decided yet.”

“Oh, uh, that’s fine!” Nitori corrected, red in the face with embarrassment. “What are you planning to study?”

“Dunno.” Nagisa sighed, downing the last bit of his drink. The tension in the room was palpable and suffocating, even through his blearily drunken state. He could tell that he was by far the most intoxicated out of everyone, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care much about that fact, a bubbling laugh dripping like bitter cough syrup from his lips.

Makoto glanced at him worriedly. “Nagisa..?”

“I’m fine!” He cried, dropping his head down on the glossy lacquer surface of the table hard enough to hurt. Kou flinched in sympathy at the resounding thud. “I’m...I’m _fine…_ ”

Haru and Makoto shared an anxious look across the table, but Rei was already at Nagisa’s side, propping him up by his shoulders to look him in the eye, only to flinch away as if burnt when he caught sight of Nagisa’s face.

He’s crying already, fat tears rushing down his ruddy cheeks and dripping all over his uniform. “It-’s—I mean, it’s not like I even _tried_ ! Sure, I went to the exams and I even got accepted to a few places, but the whole time, I just kept thinking ‘What am I doing this for? Why am I here?’. Everything is moving so fast and I have no idea what I want to be! All I know is how to swim and I’m not even that _good_ at it; how bad is that?!” He cried, leaning his head into his hands. “Nothing has felt real for — what — like, a year? I just go along with things because I think it’ll get easier but it _never_ does! You either keep swimming, or you drown! I think about doing things like going to school and getting a job and it just makes me feel like there isn’t any air in my lungs! It’s like I’ve just been waiting on a clock that’s counting down until the very moment everything I care about shatters into bits, because we’re all moving on and forgetting about each other already! It’s so pathetic I could scream!”

“Nagisa-kun—!”

“And _you_ ! He stops, the sweltering glare he intended practically devoid of true malice as he chokes on a heartbroken sob. “You didn’t even — didn’t even _tell_ me about this ‘special program’, even though we’re _always_ together! Tomorrow you’ll be gone and you didn’t even think it was important enough to mention until _today_ ! _I thought we were friends_!!” He snaps, though the hurt in his voice sounds raw and mournful, even in his state. “I mean, I always knew that you were smarter than me, and I’m so proud of you for going after your dreams, but do I really mean so little to you that you couldn’t even say it, after all this time?!”

He’s hyperventilating now, the stagnant air in his lungs causing him to sputter and choke as he grasps at his chest fruitlessly. Makoto makes a move to calm him down but Rei is the one who acts first, wrapping Nagisa’s arm around his neck and hoisting them both to their feet. His vision swims with the sudden movement as Rei practically drags him out into the yard, gently lowering him to sit on the stone steps. He’s still rasping something awful, his abdomen thrumming with intense pain as he desperately tries to pull air into his lungs.

“Nagisa-kun, I need you to breathe with me, okay?” Rei instructs, hands on Nagisa’s shoulders as he kneels before him. His voice is intentionally level, but the panicked worry clouding his eyes is almost too much guilt for Nagisa to bear without looking away. Even after being yelled at and accused, Rei still cared more for Nagisa’s well being than anything.

Copying Rei’s breathing pattern gives him something to focus on at least, but he feels empty and exhausted once his anxiety attack has begun to dwindle. Rei stays with him the whole time, leaning Nagisa’s head onto his shoulder as he wraps his long arms around the blond’s shivering form.

“I’m so sorry, Nagisa-kun.” He breathes, his grip tightening a fraction. “I’m so sorry that I didn’t notice your suffering.”

Nagisa barely has the energy left to wrap his arms around Rei, but does anyway, breathing in the calming scent of his jasmine-tea conditioner. “S’not your fault…” He replies, feeling smaller in the wake of his temper-tantrum. Hadn’t he meant to preserve Rei’s happiness until the very end? Intentional or not, what kind of best friend would _do_ something like this?

“But it _is_ !” Rei snaps, gritting his teeth as he feels the tears rushing down his cheeks. “It is, because I wasn’t there for you when you have _always_ been there for me. When you ran away during second year, I was so distraught. I was _sick_ with worry over it, because I knew then that you didn’t feel safe enough to tell me when you’re hurt. I vowed that I would never again let you go through something like that alone, and now look where we are!” He shouted, rubbing the tears from his eyes as he gazed fixedly at the dirt. “I...I didn’t tell you about the study program because I knew that you wouldn’t want me to go.”

Nagisa held his breath as he waited for the rest of the explanation.

“And I knew that if...if you asked me to stay, then I _would_ . I honestly didn’t think I would be accepted in the first place. I just thought that if they turned me down, it would be the perfect reason to stay _here_ , with _you_ . That way, in the future, I couldn’t feel resentful about never having tried in the first place. It seemed like the easiest way to get what I wanted. But…” He trailed off, leaning back to lock their gazes, hands wrapped securely around Nagisa’s upper arms. “But they _accepted_ me. And I couldn’t live with myself if I missed this opportunity.” 

Even with his stomach bottoming out, Nagisa nodded numbly, meeting Rei’s gaze. “I understand. I want you to be happy, and I’d feel guilty if you gave up on something like this just for my sake!” 

“It’s not just for your sake…” Rei mumbled under his breath, finally breaking their gaze. “Nagisa-kun, I’m...I’m in _love_ with you.”

“...What..?” 

“I’m in love. With _you_. I have been since...well, probably since our first year. I can’t imagine my life without you, and that’s why I tried to sabotage myself, so I wouldn’t have to live without you, not even for a second.” He explained, face flushing with color, even under the pale light of the spring moon.

“Rei-chan…” Nagisa breathed, a fresh wave of tears springing to his eyes. “I’m in love with you, too. 

Rei took a shuddering inhale, his eyes falling closed heavily as if an unbearable weight had been lifted from them. “I...I can’t believe this is happening.” He chuckled mirthlessly, running a hand roughly through his hair. “For years I have longed to hear you say that, but now...all I feel is an immense sadness.”

“Me too…” Nagisa sighed, tongue running over his dry lips.

“To finally know my feelings are requited but to be in a place so far I couldn’t touch you or hear your voice...I’m not sure I could bear it.”

Nagisa glanced away, wanting to beg Rei to stay, to plead with him to give up on this opportunity and potentially sacrifice his future just to stay together, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t be the one to hurt Rei, no matter how hard it would be. Steeling himself as best as he could, he swallowed thickly, fixing his eyes on the other. “So don’t do it for yourself, do it for _me_ . For _us_.” He demanded, taking Rei’s hands into his own. “You said yourself that this is a once-in-a-lifetime chance, and neither one of us will be happy if you give up what could have been without even trying! It’ll be hard, yeah, but if we love one another, then we can work through it. And, when you get back, I’ll be right here, waiting for you with open arms!” He promised, squeezing Rei’s fingers in his own. “I’ll work hard here, too. I’ll find a dream for myself and become someone you’ll be proud to say you’re in love with!”

“Nagisa-kun…” Rei mumbled softly, a small smile breaking across his face. “I’m already so proud of you. I’ll do the best I can and come right back to you, I promise.”

Leaning forward, Nagisa tentatively pressed his lips against Rei’s. “You better.” He whispered, standing up and brushing the dirt from his pants before slipping back inside.

* * *

After apologizing for his outburst and diffusing the others’ concerned questioning, the party drew to a lazy end as the few groups finally started to separate. Although, Makoto and Haru were reluctant to let Nagisa go without having a proper heart-to-heart over his anxiety.

“You should spend the night here.” Haru instructed, placing a cold glass of water in front of the blond. “You’re exhausted from your panic attack, and I don’t want you walking around like this.” 

“Haru’s right, Nagisa!” Makoto agreed, hovering anxiously beside him with all the gentle concern of a mother hen. “We’re really worried about you. Please, stay the night so we can talk about this?”

Nagisa laughed, genuinely this time, as he took a sip from his glass. “Geez, I’m fine, you two! I was stressed out about everything because I wasn’t dealing with it, but I’m going to be okay. We’ll be apart from each other, but that doesn’t mean we’ll _never_ be together again!”

Haru regarded him for a moment, unconvinced. “I still think you should stay the night, though,” He paused. “Rei, too. 

“Hey, yeah! Let’s all have a sleepover, just like high school!” Nagisa grinned, clapping his hands together. “That way we can all go to see Rei-chan off, too!”

“That does sound like a lot of fun.” Makoto hummed, turning to Rei. “Will that be okay for you? I know you probably still have a lot to do back at home.”

Rei coughed into his sleeve, averting his eyes. “Well, I suppose as long as we leave early enough…”  

Nagisa whooped, throwing his body against Rei’s in a tipsy embrace. Maybe it wasn’t high school anymore, and maybe they wouldn’t be together every day. But an end is just a road to a new beginning, and there was potential looming on the horizon. One day, maybe years from now, they could be reunited like this every single day. That was all the incentive he needed to keep trying.

As they laid sleeplessly, side-by-side on Haru’s living room floor that night, Rei’s hand reached tentatively for Nagisa’s under the cover of their blankets.

Just before he slipped into the calming embrace of hypnagogia, he thought to himself that it was the happiest he had been in the last year. 

* * *

The airport the following morning was predictably chaotic, newly-graduated students and businessmen and women clogging the narrow halls as the four young men stood silently at the security gate. When all was said and done, it was hard to believe how much had changed over the past few years alone. Three years ago, before the formation of the swim club and all of the ensuing drama, Rei Ryugazaki was just another nameless face amongst the masses.

And, now, they couldn’t bear to see him go.

“Do you have everything you need, Rei?” Makoto asked worriedly, eyeing the small carry-on bag he had tossed over his shoulder. “Your passport? Study Permit?”

“Of course!” He scoffed, puffing out his chest haughtily. “I’ve efficiently packed everything I will need for the trip in this bag, so you needn’t worry about me.”

Makoto smiled sheepishly. “I know, I know, I just can’t help but worry. America is really far away…”

“It is.” Rei agreed, furrowing his brow. “And I know that it’ll be an enormous change of pace, but I really want to see where this road takes me. I’m…” He paused, staring at the grey tiled floor. “I’m not really sure how to thank the three of you for all that you’ve done for me all this time. You’re the closest friends I’ve ever had, and, without you, I would never have been able to experience what I can only call the best years of my life so far…”

“You don’t have to thank us.” Haru replied, dragging Rei’s gaze back up. “You were just as much a part of everything as we were, so it wouldn’t have been possible without you. Don’t thank us because we’re your _friends_ , and don’t act like this is the last time we’ll ever see each other, either.”

“Haruka-senpai…” Rei muttered, a small smile stretching across his face. “You’re right. I’ll see you all again as soon as I can.”

He locked eyes with Nagisa for a tense moment, unsure of what to say. Other travelers were still rushing past them towards the gates, and Rei knew that he would be have to follow them soon enough. Now that their mutual feelings were known, the thought of leaving Nagisa made his heart sting with loss. At that moment, he couldn’t think of a thing he wouldn’t give to have time stop, just for a little while. It was the most unbelievable injustice—the sinking feeling of having _just_ missed one another. He had a million things he wanted to say and do, but he couldn’t find the words to alleviate any of the pain he felt, his shaking hands hanging limp and useless at his sides.

Haru glanced between the two briefly, leaning back to whisper something in Makoto’s ear. Makoto bit his lip hesitantly but nodded all the same, placing his hands on the younger boys’ shoulders.

“Haru and I are going to head out first. Have a safe trip, Rei; call us as soon as you land.” He smiled, waving goodbye as he and Haru were swept away into the crowd.

“Looks like we really can’t hide anything from Haru-chan, huh…” Nagisa chuckled, brushing an unruly lock of hair from his eyes.

“I suppose not.” Rei agreed, adjusting his bag on his shoulder as he glanced fixedly at the illuminated flight schedule over the arched entrance. 

“I—”

“I—!”

They started simultaneously, immediately cutting themselves off when the other spoke. Locking shocked gazes, they couldn’t help but laugh. Nagisa wiped a tear from his eye, face flushed and smiling as he caught Rei’s soft glance.

“I’m really going to miss you.” Rei whispered, the confession almost lost under the dull roar of chatter in the building. “I love you so much, I can’t imagine going more than a day without being near to you.”

Nagisa smiled warmly, taking Rei’s warm hands into his own. “I know, me neither.”

“I’ll skype you every day.” Rei promised, pressing a light kiss to Nagisa’s knuckle. “Whenever you need something, _anything_ , I’m just a phone call away. I want to share your troubles with you.”

“Same for you! Tell me everything, okay? Just don’t go falling for some pretty American boy, or I’ll have to fly all the way down there and fight him for your hand!” Nagisa teased, flexing his muscles for dramatic affect. 

Rei scoffed lightly, a soft smile on his face. “As if I could _ever_.”

Nagisa smirked confidently, turning his nose into the air. “That’s right, because you _know_ I’d win!”

“Not that.” Rei whispered, his eyes clouding over with tears as reached out to entwine their fingers. “How could I _ever_ fall for someone who isn’t _you_?”

Nagisa felt his throat constrict, his own eyes welling up as he felt Rei brush the pad of his thumb against his skin. “Promise me you’ll come back soon..?”

“Of course.” Rei breathed, leaning in and gently touching their lips together. “As soon as I can, I’ll come back to you. Then I’ll never, _ever_ let anything keep us apart. 

Nagisa sobbed openly as Rei pulled him into a tight embrace, hands grasping desperately at the fabric of his thin winter coat. He could feel the rapidly cooling warmth of Rei’s own tears against his neck and shoulder, and it made his heart twinge with such an intensity that he was worried it might be breaking all together.

When they finally separated, Rei’s glasses were foggy with tears, his meticulously arranged hair mussed and disheveled. Nagisa swallowed down the last bitter dregs of selfish hope when he saw the reluctance to leave in Rei’s eyes, instead putting his best smile on his face as he took one, then two steps backward, letting their fingers slide apart.

“I’ll be waiting for you, Rei-chan.” He vowed, grinning hard enough to strain the muscles in his face but the dampness of tears still lingering stickily on his cheeks. “As long as it takes.”

Rei nodded numbly, his face still red and raw from crying. Nagisa followed him with his eyes until the very end, only turning away once the final departure warning for his flight had sounded over the intercom in the stale air of the building. Haru and Makoto were waiting for him outside, shivering with the cold of early spring. The two said nothing as they wrapped him up in their arms, guiding him back towards the bus station and, finally, home.

As he lay alone in bed that night, mapping the constellations of plastic stars on his ceiling and awaiting Rei’s phone call, Nagisa leaned over his bedside table and removed a stack of crumpled letters, reading over the hefty blocks of text before finally, finally making a decision.

**Author's Note:**

> There will be a follow up chapter jsyk : )


End file.
